Always love hate will get you everytime.

What have I become? Really a person I hate.. Letting people get to me so easily. I used to be so strong. I sit here and look at this very pretty girl’s picture pointing out every flaw she has to myself so I feel better. wow. I hangout with my boyfriend more than my own friends. I get consumed in everyone else’s drama. I’ve wasted my last year here at this school. wishing waiting trying crying nothing helps. pushing the feelings back and hiding it all. no point it comes back and it’s even harder to deal with. I fucked myself over and I cannot blame anyone else. I’m not going to make any more excuses just change. Trying to be happy again. It just feels easier to be alone. If you’re alone nobody can hurt you. Sometimes I wish I never would have gotten inbetween her and him. bc maybe I was better off alone. but I’m glad I did. bc although we argue so much and he drives me crazy, he’s such a good boyfriend. he actually listens to me. and I can tell him anything, vent whatever. and he doesn’t get sick of it. which is good bc than I don’t drive my friends cray with all my thoughts. ha. Just started writing my brother. Guess I didn’t for so long bc it’s hard to accept where he is. that he won’t be here for my cheer competitions or my graduation or anything. at all. that I can’t run to him with my problems. I depended on him too much, for everything which in the end becomes a problem bc he’s not here. and I need to be independent. what it’s been almost 2 years and I’m still struggling being independent. I say so much. That I want to do this and do that. Well it’s a lot easier said than done. I try to tell myself I’m strong and I got this. but every little thing that goes wrong I just feel like giving up. I’m thankful for my friends and my family. really the people who care. I’m thankful that everything happened the way it did, so I ended up here in Plainwell. although so much fucked up shit has happened these passed 3 years; it all happened for a reason. I’m glad that I can mature from this all and someday get over it and just be normal again. only 4 more years. can’t give up now. you never know what could happen. I could get accepted into Harvard and become a lawyer like I always wanted. or anything. just want to be able to do it on my own and not live with my mom forever. bc I definitely couldn’t handle it. 

Actually had a really good day yesterday. Made 3 new friends, introduced the circle of honesty & taught them how to play jin. haha. deep conversations while camping are the best. I swear I make friends everywhere I go. thanks to alan, I didn’t make any decisions that could make things complicated. lol. ha, he always knows what to say. and next weekend will be much less eventful, bc the time isn’t right. and I’m just lucky I have a boyfriend who understands, and respects me enough to not force me into all of it. bc I don’t find it necessary.. at all. and I don’t want to happen what happened to dustin and I.